SEARCHING FOR AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET // A RAMBLE
10:17
I'm sat here blaring the songs that make me feel the most, trying to psych myself into writing. It has nearly been four weeks since I've sat down and tried to put my feelings into words. I don't even know if these words I am writing right now will ever be published. I am afraid that I don't have anything interesting for you to read right now. I will in a few weeks, please be patient!
My friend said something to me lately, that really made me think. She said, 'Comparison is the thief of joy.' The more I think about it, the more I believe it. I've been comparing myself to those around me all too often in the last while and it's been really taking its toll. In my own mind, I always fall short compared to my peers. I tell myself, 'Why can't you be more like them?' It's quite exhausting. It has been a very emotionally tough year. My friend Clodagh encouraged me to write. She's right, if I don't express the bad emotions, then how real am I? I have tried to avoid putting personal emotions into my blog, but I think expressing yourself is so important.
I don't mind admitting that the main reason I haven't blogged in four weeks is that I haven't had anything positive to say. I think I have tried to write a blog post over five times and in the last four weeks but nothing has come out. It's like my ability to write has completely evaporated. That frightens me a little. I have always prided myself on my writing, it is one of the few things I have going for me. I haven't had an outlet to express myself accurately in a while. Blogging hasn't been enough. I haven't wanted to express myself through words for a long time. I think if you put pressure on yourself to do something, you lose all the love for it, so I haven't made myself churn out a blog post. I wanted to write, believe me, but the words wouldn't come out. That's why I took to photography.
My camera, my pride and joy was stolen four days ago, the day before my birthday and I have to say that its loss has hit me a lot more than I expected it to. I think of all those I love who have held that camera, taken photos with me. The countries I have brought that camera to, America, Belgium, France, The Netherlands, Germany, and my beloved Ireland. That's what makes its loss all the more painful, it is those memories that that Canon camera holds that I can no longer have beside me. The world is a very cruel place, once again 2018 has taught me that. I explored the confusing feelings of love through photography, the pain of it. I expressed my desire of wanting to let go of it, yet wanting to keep it too, those feelings were precious all the same. I used imagery to explore this. Photography has been a medium through which I have explored my emotions in recent times, believe it or not, the day the camera was stolen I had began working on a brand new series, it was supposed to be a positive one, one where I attempted to celebrate myself, instead of tearing myself down.
So now I guess I am left a little bit lost. A little solitary figure watching the world speed along around her. I am desperately looking for some new emotional outlet through which I can explore these emotions of mine. A way to release them into the world so they don't harm me. Perhaps to create something beautiful out of them. Maybe for now I will live out my emotions by experiencing the art of others. I have really enjoyed attending gigs around Limerick these last few weeks. I have been finding solace in music, listening to the words, letting myself feel the emotions the sounds and lyrics evoke in me. I tell myself, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to feel lonely even when there are people around you. It is okay to miss people who are away. I live vicariously through the emotions of others too, the music of the people I know certainly helps to get through the day.
These words I've written are a lot. However, I think that if you've been reading my blog for a while you'll know that visiting No Cat Got My Tongue is a journey through the mind and world of one messy twenty three year old girl, Eilís Walsh. Yes, the last time I blogged, I was twenty two. Time flies, eh? I hope you understand where I am coming from, I hope you'll stay with me on this journey of mine, god knows I need my friends right now.
Someone dear to me told me that I 'see the beauty in absolutely everything, no matter how small,' and when I heard that, it kind of took my breath away. Maybe I do. If that's true, I will try and see the beauty in my surroundings. I have written this multiple times but have you noticed how much better everything seems when the sun comes out? It does for me anyways. Maybe the next time I go to Limerick city I will explore the parts I have never been to before. I don't want to lose the part of me that still sees some positivity.
Thank you thank you thank you as always for taking the time to read my words. You'll never know just how much it means to me, but I will tell you a thousand times.
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