THE UNCOMFORTABLE THINGS / EXPLORING MY FEELINGS THROUGH PHOTOGRAPHY
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If you follow me on Instagram you'll have probably seen these photos before, but I've been toying with this idea, the idea of talking about the inspiration behind these photos for a while. It's a personal post unlike ones I've posted before, but I thought I'd give it a go anyways. I began this mini-series, or project of sorts about two weeks ago when I was feeling a little lost in myself. I was feeling really anxious and didn't really know how to express or release the strong emotions I was experiencing.
I always find that going for a walk or a cycle calms me down if I feel like my brain's about to explode. So this time, I grabbed my camera and cycled into UL. I didn't have specific photo ideas in mind, I just knew that I was looking for a way to say what I wanted to say without having to be blatantly obvious. These photos aren't anything spectacular, they're just the beginning, but I hope you like this new glimpse into my world.
In an ideal situation, I would display these photos and play songs as you look at them, at the section of the song where instrumental / lyrics inspired the photo. I know, my brain is extremely overactive.
the art of letting go
I would describe myself as a sensitive person, someone who feels things very strongly. It's a blessing and a curse. I've been told I've been cursed with a poet's mind. Take from that what you will haha. I suppose this one is about my ability or lack of ability really, in letting go things that shouldn't matter. Or perhaps my tendency to hold on to things or people I love, even if they aren't exactly the best for me. I have always loved photographing hands or describing hands when I write stories. Hands are used to reassure, to keep someone close, to wave goodbye. But the art of letting go? I haven't quite mastered it yet. The idea of letting go sounds so therapeutic and beautiful but as we know it's not easy. I suppose this photo means a variety of things to me. The letting go of bad things but also the reaching out, the searching for a solution. I'm proud of this photo because I like how the green contrasts with the colour of my skin and also how I managed to put the main focus on the hand. It slightly reminds me of a song I know called 'Cruel City' by Augustines, where a lyric reads 'I still reach for you in the dark'
finding beauty in my own face
This photo is one I still find uncomfortable to look at because I'm always finding flaws in my own face, nitpicking at my facial features. But it's a goal of mine to start taking more photos of myself, not selfies per se, but to get used to incorporating myself into the photos I take. I do find that as I'm getting older I'm getting more comfortable with my features. I wanted to make my freckles and my eyes focal points in this image as they're the features I like the most about myself. To be honest, when I was taking this photo I was in a public place and I was feeling self-conscious. Something I need to work on when taking photos is not to be embarrassed and just enjoy what I'm doing. I also like how you can see that I'm smiling just by looking at the photo, you can kinda see a glint in my eye and my laughter lines. A song that makes me feel comfortable is 'Lonesome Dreams' by Lord Huron, the lyrics are kind of sad I guess, but the instruments make me so happy!
hot & cold, the colours of feelings
This photo is interesting to me because it was only once the photo had been taken and I had gone home that an idea for a title came to me. The contrast of the colours; blue and a reddish orange. Hot and cold. The colour of feelings. Humans are fickle being aren't they? Including myself. I change my mind all the time. Feelings can be fleeting or permanent. I suppose I wanted to express my own ever-changing feelings for people around me or how I perceive the opinions of others. Good and bad. The pontoon in UL is one of my favourite places to go, it makes me sad that I won't get to go there much anymore, but it's where I feel at peace. Again, my hand symbolises me reaching out for an answer to my feelings, a reason. I haven't found one just yet. A song springs to mind, 'Fix Me' by Beck, 'You might fix me. You might crush me. Take a little piece of me.'
trying to deal with sadness
I am not very good at coping with negative feelings. I tend to let them swallow me up until I feel as blank as this image. I look at myself through such a negative lens when I feel bad, so I suppose this is a representation of that. I used to be a lot more open on social media, in my writing, the words I put out on this blog. But people tend to misinterpret what I say and it gets me into trouble, so I don't do it so much anymore. I don't mind admitting I've struggled with my mental health since I was sixteen. A lot of friends do too. It's not something to be ashamed of. It's natural sometimes to let it swallow you up, just like this image. However, did you know that the colours red, yellow and blue, when used in paint make up the colour black? So in this image, just like my own life, there are bright, happy colours mixed in there. You just have to remember that they're there. I suppose the song that best captures my emotions when I'm sad is 'Soldiers' by Ben Howard. I feel slightly uncomfortable sharing the song because it has been my favourite song for over five years or more and no other song has the ability to make me feel emotions like this one. But art is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable and to make you think, so here it is.
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It has been years since I've been nervous to put out a blog post. Years, since I've allowed myself to speak about very personal things in this space. I've almost programmed myself to think it's wrong to talk about my personal life in any depth, which is silly. I hope you enjoy the photos and my ramblings. Thank you for reading, thank you to those who have inspired these images, thanks for taking the time to take a look at my little space.
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