Things never happen the same way twice
– Aslan (CS Lewis,
The Lion, The Witch and Wardrobe)
Hi.
It's been such a long time since I've written anything for this blog. This was because of a mixture of things. I am a third year college student, so I am so so busy. Secondly, I have no internet in the house I am living in and isn't that the norm with me these days? And then I suppose I've been busy living and trying to get my life together. Despite March being a good month, it was also a period in
which I did not feel so happy in myself. I cannot pinpoint why exactly, but I
am very glad that I have taken steps to help myself feel good again. That is a
new beginning. Before, my old self would have rather run away and have a drink
rather than sit with those feelings. Instead of letting those feelings
overwhelm me, I’ve started to learn bit by bit how to react to these feelings. I fail here and there but I like to think that I am slowly getting better at it even if I don't quite see it yet.
New beginnings include going back to the places you’d never
thought you’d go back to, with a new person and embark on a new life journey. I must admit, I was scared and sad at first that it did not feel the same as
before. But then I realized, no one experience is felt the exact same way. Even
if you wished for it to be. I’m meeting new people all the time now, and
whereas I used to be terrified of leaving old people and old memories behind, a
good part of me is excited at the idea of meeting new people to inspire me.
I refuse also let new beginnings over shadow what I have
already. This being my friends, family and priorities I have had already. I
tend to focus on one thing but that’s not healthy. I know that now and I have
struggled with this for years. The last year and a half have been a very
interesting time for me and it’s about time that I look back on it. I've had to do a lot of learning about myself and learning how to treat the people around me. I've been stuck in a never ending circle of self criticism for a long time and I've been letting this affect the way I am with those I care about.
When you're a circle, a vicious cycle of feelings going around and around it's hard to break free of it. It's a habit almost, to feel this way. For a very long time I've felt alone in my problems because I have been afraid to talk and afraid to speak out of turn. Mental health is still a taboo in many ways, I did not want to seem like I was looking for attention, when really I just wanted reach out so I didn't feel so lost by myself. People do say, it's okay to talk, but when it's actually yourself in that situation it can feel like the hardest thing in the world to do. So I've taken to words to express myself, in the hopes of making it more clear. I've felt lost for a very very long time and I am still finding my way back, but it's getting easier all the time.
The last year and a half has been very formative. A lot of people talk about extreme experiences changing them forever and before all of this I really didn't believe in that sort of stuff. It sounded very farfetched. But having gone through what I've gone through and having survived it, I do believe some things wake you up. I am more aware of what's going on around me, I have learned to appreciate the little things, whether it's how refreshing a glass of water is when you're thirsty, or listening to the sound of water moving in a stream, or just appreciating the sun when it decides to pop up here in Ireland. I've been writing a lot about awakenings because I feel as though there's something hopeful in the word.
A quote I saw on Instagram posted by Pamela, who inspires me all the time reads "But you could not have a green rose. But perhaps somewhere in the world you could". This is a quote from a James Joyce novel and I am not quite sure of the context of the words but it got me thinking. Just because you did not get what you wanted in terms of a specific person, a place or a thing, doesn't mean you can't find it in someone else. Somewhere else even. It gives me hope for the chance of something good. I remember I kept telling people all the time when I felt my worst and I said "I just want something good to happen". However you don't just sit there and hope that the happiness comes to you. Go out there and find it for yourself. I made the mistake of waiting for it for such a long time. But once I started to throw myself into different projects, be it the idea of my J1 last year, collecting items for my visual diary, writing and editing the student newspaper An Focal, in my university, going out to raves and dancing to music, walks down to the pontoon in my university or something simple like sitting and eating an ice-cream with your friends. The little things make you feel even just a little bit better.
Speaking of my friends. I've been yeárning to talk about yoú all for such a long time but I've been afraid. I did want to speak about you all verbally, to your faces to tell you what you all mean to me. I know for a fact that my friends have had to deal with myself going through different emotions, states of healing, of heartbreak, of anger, of bewilderment. I admire you all so much for taking it all in your stride and pulling me up when I needed to be told. Thank you telling me to suck it up when I was wallowing in self pity. I am sorry for the times I have been hard to be around, or even hard to understand. Thank you for banding together when I've been at my worst. I appreciate the times when you've spoken your mind to me even though it might have been hard for you to say, and for myself to hear it. Your words, your actions make me a better person. I know it's hard sometimes and we all get on eachother's nerves from time to time, but I am forever grateful. I have italicized the first letter of your first names into this post so I don't forget all that you've done for me. I know just how confusing I may be to be around sometimes, believe me, I find it hard to understand myself half the time. Just know I appreciate it all. Everything I have written about in this blog post, all the positive things are largely down to you all for encouraging me, for supporting me, for allowing me to be myself.
thank you for everything
