Who is Eilis now?: Exploring, Growing and the Unknown

13:10


I have been in America for over forty days. Last week I visited New York City for the fourth time.
Instead of doing a generic travel post talking about my visit to the 9/11 Memorial and walking across Brooklyn Bridge, I've decided to use these photos and talk about how making the move to the US for the summer has really made me open my mind. You have no idea how absolutely terrified, reluctant and anxious I was about the idea of spending three months - a quarter of a year no less - on the other side of the world. It had been at least five months planning to get to the point that I was able to legally live and work in the US. Do you think I had mentally planned for the move? Absolutely not.

The nerves hit me when my parents said good bye to me in Shannon Airport. I was actually leaving my safe place of green fields, familiar faces and most of the people I loved best. Could I manage it? What if I hated everything? I knew my blog would benefit from the move, having new and exciting places to share with you all. I was excited of the prospect of creating unforgettable memories. But I was so afraid. My fear was that this summer would be a repeat of last year when I WASTED it, feeling absolutely disgusting about myself. I am my own worst enemy, it wasn't healthy. So what if I went to America and did not let myself truly enjoy the experience?

9/11 Memorial Fountain
Piece of steel from the zone the plane hit in the North Tower
Something I have noticed is that I have well and truly left my comfort zone behind. This is a scary and thrilling thought. I certainly am not the same person that stepped on to the plane just over forty days ago. From time to time I sit and marvel at how my opinions of things have changed, just by moving to a different environment and immersing myself in new cultures. It really astounds me.

Megan and I - for some strange reason- were under the impression that we would not make any friends during this three month long trip. We laugh hysterically about it now because we were so so wrong. On day two of starting work in country club Southward Ho I found myself on a beach with a bunch of new people, all of whom were interested in interacting with us and bombarded us with questions on my home country. I am now terrified of leaving these people behind when I leave.


I now have memories of talking about love at two o' clock in the morning during a swim outside while rain poured down around me, dancing the tango badly to Spanish music and drives to lighthouses in the dead of night. I told myself that I would stay away from any sort of wild summer romantic thing - but Eilís' life never goes exactly how she plans it. And that is one thing that surprises me most. I thought I knew what I was drawn to... but I find myself in uncharted territory.

Near the World Trade Centre
Crossing the Brooklyn Bridge
I can say with some certainty this is mostly down to the fact that I hear it a lot of the time, but this is 
music that I would never have listened to before. What music do you mean? Spanish club - esque music, hip hop.. rap even? I have no idea why, but I have started to enjoy this. A lot of my co-workers come from countries such as Belize, El Salvador, Peru and other places that I have been nowhere near to. These co-workers are now friends, but it has been amazing to get some insight into their music, their language and culture. I still listen to my electronic, rock, folk, acoustic familiarity, but my goodness has my taste expanded. 

I suddenly have an interest in learning the Spanish language, despite having told people countless times that I had no inclination to start learning Español whatsoever. So I have enlisted the help of those whose mother tongue is Spanish to teach me bits and pieces of this lyrical and beautiful language. As you can expect I only know words at present and the odd phrase. Such as : 
sky, one, but, my blog's name, how is everything, and funnily enough, cookie. It is honestly such a beautiful language and I love hearing it being spoken, despite not knowing the majority of what is being said. Learning American slang has been fascinating too. Examples such as "lit, dead-ass, turnt" etc. I am also saying words like "kid" and "store". My pronunciation of the word "what" has changed. All things I swore I would not do or take on. But I don't care and that's what surprises me. 



I cannot tell you that I know what my aim in life, or pretend that I understood why my life is turning out the way it is, but I know for sure that I am learning so much. Lyrics from an my favourite artist who means so much to me are :
"still, there's strength in the blindness you fear"


I am still someone who cares that little bit too much what others think of me. I collect too many words, care about people I shouldn't, I get hurt too easily and overshare by accident online. But I am definitely trying to see the best in everything. I am not an overwhelmingly negative person. I am not sure "who" Eilís is exactly but I learn a little bit more every day. Even staring at the name while typing doesn't even seem like it is me. That's what's funny about the human brain. One of my favourite things is watching someone else smile and know that I caused it. I play old memories in my mind when I shouldn't, but I don't want to forget. I want to remember how happy I was, how happy I can be and how happy I WILL be. 2016 is a year of exploration. 2015 was a year of finally admitting that I needed change. 2017 is a tantalising future. I have NO IDEA what it holds for me. That is a good thing, actually.

I guess this post was a little insight into how my mind works and to show you where I'm at. It's been very interesting is all I will say. Thanks very much if you managed to keep going to the very end of this post, I did ramble a little.


All pictures are merely decorative and belong to their respective owners.

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