An open letter: Goodbye to you.



An open letter to you.

Dear You.
Of course I know exactly who you are, how could I not? I think about you nearly everyday. You definitely don’t know this exists. If you did, would you read it? I honestly don’t know what your reaction would be. Anger? Realisation? Sadness? It’s funny, when I first started writing this I was sitting in the same room as you, I was at the top of the room, you were at the bottom. I should have been revising maths, but it was one of those days that I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by your obvious distaste for my presence. It really really hurts. And I don’t know whether that’s your intention or not. It’s declutter time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not innocent. Not innocent in the sense that I’ve not wanted to act spitefully towards you, because I have. I’ve wanted to confront you. I confess to wanting to call out a smart comment as you’ve walked away. But I’ve resisted the temptation because lets face it, what good would it do?

I’ve heard that apparently you want to prove a point about something by not sitting with us at lunch, or making a hasty exit when I sit down at the table. What exactly? I’d love to know. But you should know that I’ve let it go. I’m not holding a grudge against you. If you’d only come up and admit you’re in the wrong and apologise everything would be back to normal. I tried to speak to you a week after you stopped talking to me. You responded with such hostility that I flinched back and haven’t attempted to speak to you since.

I want to let you know that every time I don’t contact you, I almost do. I want to. By writing this open letter it’s not to call you out. It’s me speaking to you, getting my feelings out on everything. I’m not trying to be attention seeking,  lets face it, not many people read this blog. What can I do? I can’t make you speak to me, I can’t force you to apologise. I don’t want to force you, I want you to want to make things okay again. I can’t and won’t go up to you. You’d walk away. It’s really sad when I think about it. Three whole months since we’ve spoken, in our final year of school. I know that I'm not the only one who knows how you act, I was misunderstood at first and then you went and did the same to my other friends. I don't understand why you're doing it, why you  are holding a grudge when all I want is an apology, I don't want you to make a public announcement.

All this bitterness and division is your doing. You have the power to change things. But will you?

I don’t want to give up hope. But it’s been over three months and you’re still giving me the cold shoulder.  Maybe it’s time I stop caring. My sister has. Lots of people tell me you’re not worth it. And sometimes I want to agree with them. But I hate that you’ve got a problem with me, and I’ve done nothing to you. I’m aware not every person I meet in life is going to like me. I know that, it’s life. But in your case I’ve wracked my brain trying to think what I’ve done wrong. Is it because I stood up for someone who rightfully called you out for sending out mixed signals? No one should have to deal with your hot and cold personality. You can’t speak to someone one day and ignore them the next without explanation. It’s frustrating and hurtful. I’ve sat at the kitchen table and watched my sister break down over you.

I don’t like the fact that you’re alone most of the time, I don’t get pleasure from it. I feel sorry for you, and I feel guilty even though all I did was stick up for the person in the right. I don’t like that you’re probably unhappy, I’ve watched you walk the room alone after hastily leaving when I sit down. Someday, I hope you’ll want to fix things. That you'll swallow your pride and admit that you were wrong.When that day comes I’ll be all ears. So if you ever decide to stop ignoring us, let me know. Come talk to me. I won’t run. I’ll listen. And the last three months will be forgotten, just like that. But right now I can’t really forget about it because I relive it everyday when you run away from me.

Today at lunchtime, when you left I reached a breaking point. I realised that I am going to have to let you go or keep beating myself up over it. Do you think that I want to do this? Not at all. But  I’m so sick of feeling angry, of feeling sad and hurt. So this is it. This really hurts but I can't care about this. I'm writing this and I know this is still going to rip me apart each day, but I have to try.

Goodbye and good luck.

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